Bike Pirate

Ways in which bikers are like pirates.

1. A pirate without a ship is just a dude gazing forlornly at the horizon. A biker without a bike is just a dude gazing forlornly at the horizon.

2. A pirate does plunder, and make off with booty, swag, and loot. A biker does plunder, and make off with booty that he finds on the side of the road that a motorist will never see, or at least would never pull over and stop for.

3. A pirate is a freeman, who shirks country and obligation in pursuit of his own fate. Ditto for a biker. To an extent.

4. The Golden Age of Piracy came about because of widespread dissatisfaction and frustration with the oppressive treatment of sailors, indentured servants, and slaves. The Golden Age of Cycling came about because of widespread dissatisfaction and frustration with the detrimental and deleterious effects of consuming fossil fuels, and the cost thereof; the cost of upkeep, maintenance and insurance of the motor vehicle.

5. Both are subject to the whims and fancies of Mother Nature.

6. Pirates drink a lot of rum, grog, and ale. So do cyclists.

7. Similar to how pirates were privateers, buccaneers, freemen, mutineers, and mercenaries; bikers are also commuters, racers, messengers, campers, utilitarians, tourers, randonneurs, and fixies.

8. Pirates hate ninjas. Cyclists hate ninjas.

9. When there's no sailing to be done, and when there's no riding to be done, both a pirate and a biker feel and look like a dragon-slayer, when all the dragons have been slain.

10. ARRRRRRRRRRRRR!

"Real" cyclists

So the Lady has said once or twice that she doesn't consider bikers without helmets, or after-hours bikers without lights to be "real bikers."

She doesn't feel as compelled to yield to, or share the road with, a helmet-less biker.

It seems as though the underlying logic behind this is that if a cyclist does not accept the responsibilities of the road, then they should not be granted the rights of the road.

Which is not legally correct.

But which I can't find fault with.

The groups and the individuals that I admire in the cycling world are champions of the notion that bikes are vehicles, and that they are as entitled to the road as any motor vehicle. And, to borrow a phrase, with great vehicular power comes great vehicular responsibility.

I definitely, loudly, look down upon those who do not take the responsibility of cycling seriously.

Hell, the point of this blog and the point of the Birate movement is to seek out and to stamp out bike ninjas, those cyclists who pedal around in the dark without lights.

These people, through ignorance or carelessness or who-knows-what, put themselves and others in mortal danger every time they ride.

And so, no, I don't consider them real cyclists in the sense that they are as entitled to the road as I am. I always wear a helmet, and I always wear my neon yellow safety jacket. I have reflective strips on my fenders and on my bags. I have a white flashing light in front, and a red flashing light in back, and they're on at night and during the day because you don't know when it's too cloudy or sunny or foggy or bright for motorists to see you.

Not wearing a helmet and not having lights on a bike is like not wearing your seatbelt and texting while eating a burger in a car.

You can be a reckless, careless biker just as easily as you can be a careless, reckless driver.

Ultimately, I don't find fault with the Lady's assertion that helmet-less, light-less cyclists are as entitled to the road as pedestrians. Because I don't think they consider themselves to be entitled to the road.

How can they?

Seriously, how can anybody be attuned to the dangers and responsibilities of being a cyclist on a road possibly ask for equal treatment and equal rights, but then not afford themselves the cyclist's equivalent of seatbelts and airbags?

They can't.

So once again, to all you bike ninjas, to all of you who use your beach cruiser and your mountain bike to go pick up a six pack of beer, to all of you who ride against traffic or who ride on the sidewalk, to all you who ride without helmets or headlights when it is unsafe to do so:

Stop it.

There are those of us who consider bicycling as a way of life, as a means of transportation, as a method of commuting to our jobs.

And you're hurting us.

Dictionary

HERE be the VELOSOPEDIA

B

Beausage - A portmanteau blending "beauty" and "usage." American pronunciation (rhymes with "usage") and French pronunciation ("Bo-Sahj") are equally acceptable. Coined by Grant Peterson in an issue of the Rivendell Reader, and as used by Rick Smith in the 10/11/2009 episode of Yehuda Moon.

Birate - Bike pirate.

C

Cage - Car.

Cager - Derogatory name for a somebody driving a motor vehicle.

Ciclovia - A planned event during which major roads are closed to automotive traffic. More.

I

Idaho - to roll through a stop sign while riding a bike. A reference to Idaho Statutes Title 49 section 720, which makes it lawful in Idaho to, while riding a bike, slow to a "reasonable speed" and the proceed through the intersection without having to come to a full and complete stop. Critics of the Idaho law sensationalize it by exclaiming that it's legal for bikes to run stop signs.

M

MSH - "Magic Styrofoam Hat." Term for a bicycle helmet that implies skepticism of its ability to prevent any and all physical harm to the person wearing it.

N

Ninja - A scofflaw cyclist that wears dark clothing at night with no reflectors or lights. They tend to ride erratically and in a way that they suppose avoids getting in the way of automobiles. By being unable or unwilling to put lights on their bicycle, they enshroud themselves in a ninja-like shroud of invisibility, endangering themselves and everybody around them.

Bike Ninjas are the natural enemy of the Bike Pirates.

P

Panda - A self portrait taken with a cell phone or camera while riding your bike. The word is a reference to a girl on flickr who, while probably not inventing the on-bike self-shot, apparently single-handedly popularized it.

Pedefish - A pedestrian salmon. Usually only encountered in bike lanes. Coined by the Cap'n in this post.

S

Salmon - A cyclist riding against traffic.

Skunk stripe - A stripe of mud or dirty water down the back of a cyclist who doesn't have fenders.

V

Velo - a prefix meaning "relating to a bicycle." The wikipedia entry for "velo" redirects to "bicycle." One of the earliest versions of the bicycle is called a velocipede. "Velocity" is a measure of speed because bicycles are fast and so you measure a bicycle is by its speed, or velocity. You don't really have a velocity if you're walking, or even running really fast. You have to at least be on a bike in order to have a velocity.

Jay? Peg?

Bike Girl once made a post in which she said she always has N bikes, where the number of bikes she wants equals N+1.

I've been feeling that a lot lately.

I have one bicycle. My old Chicago Schwinn Sprint is a die hard, and a work horse, and pack mule. It has soul but it's not a soldier, and it is awesome.

Also, I love this craigslist find so much, way much more than the blue Motobecane I bought in Mission Beach, San Diego, and which was too small for me, and infinitely more than the little red mountain bike that I got at K-Mart, which was even smaller than that.

I feel like my bicycling experience has to date consisted of buying larger and larger bicycles, and then realizing, "Oh my god, how have I been riding that tiny thing for so long?"

It is for exactly that reason that I have been trying to get down to my LBS for the last week or three, to test ride their larger models.

But anyway. I have N bicycles, and the number of bicycles I think I need is AT LEAST equal to N+1.

More likely N+2, at least.

I think I need a mountain bike to better navigate the worse Denver weather, and I think I need a fixed gear single speed, because, still, the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that the simplest, most straightforward manifestation of the bicycle might just be the best.

And then, to allow for N+3, I'm just obsessed with and in love with utility bikes.

Here are the manufacturers I'm drooling over currently.

1. Worksman Cycles -- The supreme queen, and -- according to the NPR story I heard on them -- the oldest bicycle manufacturer in the nation. They were the original creators of the ice cream and hot dog cart. Their trikes are drool worthy, but their bikes are hard to justify NOT buying.

2. Lightfoot Cycles -- These guys are awesome because they sell great trikes and bikes, and because they have created a kit that'll turn a 26" bike into a serious, heavy load bearing trike. In the same way that Xtracycle will turn a 26" bike into a serious, heavy load bearing extended wheel base bike. Sweet!

3. Bilenkey -- Just found out about these guys today, but they seem pretty righteous.

---

So here's the thing. I don't haul 50 - 100 lbs worth of crap to work each day. I do haul groceries every now and then. But those are managed well enough with my Cannondale trailer. I don't need these utility bikes.

But Oh My God I want one.

It's the same thing that makes Black Sheep Cycle's S-Cargo frame amazingly attractive. Attractive in the same way that Surly's Big Dummy frame is incredibly stupendous. And stupendously incredible.

Ultimately though, folks, what's happening here is that I'm having a love affair with up to three different types of bikes, while trying to convince myself that it is utter folly to have more than two.

We'll see how this works out.